Loving Bella

Since the day Bella moved in with us, she naturally gravitated toward Brett-my husband, her daddy. She clung to him quickly, forming a bond that was sweet on the surface, but over time revealed something much deeper and more painful.

In those early days, she only wanted to play with Brett. Only wanted to ride in his truck. Only wanted to sit by him at dinner. I tried not to let it bother me, but the truth is-it did.

I found myself quietly aching on the sidelines of our little family.

As time went on, her attachment to Brett became stronger. They bonded over watching shows about Alaska, and their conversations at dinner often turned into daydreams about moving there. But it shifted into something darker when she began saying things like, “Mommy, Daddy and I are moving to Alaska, and you have to stay here by yourself.”

At first, we both brushed it off. Brett thought it was silly talk from a little girl. I tried to brush it off, but deep down something inside me hurt. She wasn’t just pretending. She was excluding me-on purpose. I could see it in her eyes.

Eventually, the comments became more frequent, more pointed.

“We’re leaving you.”

“We don’t want you.”

“You’re not coming.”

Brett saw the pain in my face and would step in and say to her, “That’s not going to happen. Mommy and I are staying together.” Together we worked to redirect those conversations, and eventually, the talk of Alaska faded. But her desire to push me away didn’t.

It wasn’t a phase. It became our life.

As she grew, her words sharpened. She screamed that she hated me and only wanted Brett. But eventually, she turned on him, too. She has started pushing harder and testing every limit. Brett has had to set more boundaries and help me with more consequences.

There are days we are simply the enemy because we’re trying to parent her with love and consistency.

About a month ago, Brett picked Bella up from school. Her teacher followed them out to the truck. Bella had been telling everyone at school that I was leaving Brett, that I had a new place to live, and that I told her I couldn’t stay married and needed a place to “heal.”

In the truck, she told Brett the same story. Calm. Confident. Like it was fact.

I was stunned. Hurt. Angry. Embarrassed.

How could she do this? Why does she want me gone so badly?

Why a Child with RAD Acts This Way

To most people, it sounds unthinkable. A child trying to get rid of her mom? Making up stories? Hoping one parent disappears?

But for those of us raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), this is all too familiar.

Children with RAD will push away the parents who try to love them and try to do what is best for them. The one who nurtures them. The ones who show up, again and again.

That parent becomes what’s often called the nurturing enemy.

It sounds backwards, but to a trauma-wired brain, love feels dangerous. Getting close feels risky. Vulnerability is terrifying. So instead of bonding, they control. Instead of trusting, they test.

Not because they hate you-but because they fear needing you.

That’s what happened with Bella. For a while, Brett felt safer and less threatening. I was setting limits, offering comfort, and trying to build a connection, so in her mind, I was the one to reject.

It’s not about favoritism. It’s about survival.

When she says I’m leaving or tells others I’m divorcing Brett, she’s trying to protect herself. If she can’t count on love, she’ll push it away before it has a chance to leave on its own.

Knowing this doesn’t make it hurt less. But it reminds me that this isn’t personal. It’s not about me failing. It’s about her surviving.

And that truth helps me hold the line. One painful, brave day at a time.