Symptom #2: Extreme Control and Power Struggles

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) don’t just crave control—they live for it. They fight for it every single day.

Their brains are wired to believe that if they are not in control, they are not safe. From the outside, it might look like stubbornness or defiance, but it isn’t. It’s survival.

For families like ours, this turns the tiniest, most ordinary moments into exhausting battles:

• Getting dressed
• Eating dinner
• Brushing teeth
• Going to the bathroom

Every little thing can become a war of wills.

Why Control Matters

Why does control matter so much to a child with RAD? Because trauma taught them that adults can’t be trusted. If they give up control, they fear being hurt, abandoned, or disappointed all over again.

Control is their way of feeling safe. And the heartbreaking truth? The people who are actually safe are often the ones they fight the hardest.

How Control Shows Up at Home

In our home, these battles show up in a hundred different ways:

• My daughter refuses to wake up or go to bed when told.
• She argues about socks, shoelaces, or underwear.
• She stalls brushing her teeth or buckling her seatbelt.

We’ve spent 45 minutes brushing teeth—not because she can’t, but because stretching it out gives her control. Some kids with RAD even control bathroom needs—because if they can decide when and where to go, it’s one tiny piece of safety they can cling to.

And then there’s rage. Huge, explosive rage, over something as small as being asked to put away shoes or not being given the last word. These aren’t “normal” kid power struggles. They are relentless and extreme, meant to prove:

You don’t control me. I control you. I control everything that happens in this house.

As I write this, my daughter has been standing in the bathroom for 45 minutes “getting in the shower.” The water isn’t even on. She’s just standing there, waiting me out. It’s about control. On her terms. In her time.

When she first moved in at age four, the bathroom was another battleground. She would tell me she needed to go, and I would take her. She wouldn’t do anything. Then she would walk straight into the dining room, squat, and use the bathroom on the floor.

It was her way of saying:

You might think you control me, but here’s something I control.

Food and Control

Food is still a struggle. I pack healthy lunches every day to support her brain development. But at both her public and private schools, she has taken her turkey sandwich straight to the trash, then raised her hand and told the teacher:

“My mom forgot to pack me a sandwich.”

She wanted the school lunch or whatever her friends were eating. Sometimes she got away with it. Sometimes she got caught.

But, it was never about the sandwich. It was about control.

And control, for her, means safety.

Visiting a RAD Home: What Helps and What Doesn’t

If you’re visiting a RAD home, it can feel confusing or frustrating. You might see endless arguing over shoes, dinner, bedtime, or chores, and wonder, Why won’t this child just listen?

Here’s what helps—and what doesn’t:

What Helps:

• Step back and let the parent manage the situation.
• Follow the parent’s instructions exactly.
• Keep interactions calm and predictable.
• Offer treats, gifts, or favors only as directed by the parent (e.g., “Your parents would like you to have this”).
• Remember: consistency is key. You are not rescuing the child by “winning” a fight for them.

What Doesn’t Help:

• Trying to argue, reason, or negotiate with the child.
• Giving in to tantrums or power struggles, even to “keep the peace.”
• Taking sides between parent and child.
• Allowing the child to control routines, food, or rules in your presence.

The goal isn’t to be “mean” or strict—it’s to show the child that the adults in their life are **safe, steady, and capable of keeping them secure**.

Staying Steady Matters

That’s why I can’t give in. If I let her run the show, it doesn’t calm her—it feeds her fear. What she needs is for me to stay steady and safe, the one in charge, even when it makes the battles bigger in the moment.

Over time, that’s what builds trust.

It’s not about winning. It’s about showing her:

• You are safe.
• I am strong enough to handle this.
• I will protect you.

Power Struggles Are About Survival

Control and power struggles in a RAD home aren’t about spoiling a child or “just picking your battles.”

They are about survival—for the child and for the family.

They are about teaching a child that their parents can be trusted to keep them safe.

Because only then can healing begin.