Loving Bella

Most days in my own home, no matter what I do, I can’t win. One moment we’re laughing together. The next, I’m the villain—the monster in my own house. She’ll tell Dad one thing, then tell me the opposite. Suddenly we’re arguing over something that never even happened.

And all the while, she’s watching. She studies how we react. She feeds off the tension she created. It’s exhausting.

What is Triangulation?

This behavior has a name: triangulation. It happens when a child pits parents, caregivers, or even teachers and parents against each other. At first glance, it might look like meanness or manipulation. With RAD, though, it runs much deeper.

Children with trauma don’t feel safe in relationships. To protect themselves, they create conflict. They test loyalties again and again. It gives them a sense of control in a world that feels unpredictable. These kids aren’t “bad.” They’re scared kids trying to survive. But in the process, they often hurt the very families who want nothing more than to love them.

Why Do Children Triangulate?

• Fear of rejection and abandonment: Control feels safer than being left.
• Testing loyalty: They want to see who will stay no matter what.
• Seeking attention: It may be unhealthy, but it’s still a way to be noticed.
• Modeling past trauma: Many of our kids learned triangulation in chaotic or neglectful homes.

What Family and Friends Should Know

• Don’t take it personally: Most of the time they aren’t trying to hurt anyone. They’re just trying to survive.
• Don’t get pulled into the conflict: Stay calm. Stick to the facts. Avoid arguing with the child over what they say.
• Support the parents: Present a united front. Kids push hardest when they sense division between adults.

What Family and Friends Shouldn’t Do

• Don’t assume the child is being hateful or mean.
• Don’t try to force the “truth” out of them: It only escalates things.
• Don’t judge the parents: This one matters most. Outsiders often see behavior and blame parenting. But the root is trauma—not failure.

What We Do in Our Family When Triangulation Starts

When triangulation begins in our home, we have a plan. We:

• Communicate constantly with each other: If I’ve told our daughter she can’t do something, I make sure to let my husband and any other adults know. If I don’t, she might take advantage of the situation.
• Check in with each other first: Before addressing anything with our daughter, we always talk it over and make sure we are on the same page.
• Clarify expectations: We make sure our daughter understands our rules and limits.
• Use clear and consistent boundaries: Both of us respond the same way, so she knows what to expect.
• Follow up together: If triangulation becomes a problem, we talk later about what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future.

Moving Forward

Recognizing triangulation isn’t easy. But you’re not alone. Awareness is the first step to protecting your family. Once you see what’s happening, you can set healthier boundaries and begin restoring trust at home.

Triangulation is a hard road.

Share Your Experience

Have you seen triangulation in your home? Has it taken root in your family? How do you handle it? Share your thoughts below—you might encourage another family walking this same road.