Loving Bella

What Is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

Reactive Attachment Disorder is a deep attachment injury that happens early—usually before age three—when a child’s brain is still developing. It’s often caused by abuse, neglect, or repeated separation from a caregiver.

The brain doesn’t wire for connection. It wires for survival.

RAD shows up most in foster and adopted children. But it can affect biological children too—especially if they spent time in the NICU, were separated due to illness, or experienced trauma early on.

These kids live in constant survival mode. Control is how they feel safe. Love and connection don’t feel comforting—they feel threatening. Letting someone in feels just as dangerous as being hurt again.

In our home, RAD looks like:

• Explosive rages when our child is not in control
• Lying and manipulation to stay in charge
• Hoarding food, impulsive behavior, triangulating relationships
• Constantly testing boundaries and people

At the root of it all? Control = safety.

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Being “Trauma-Informed” Isn’t Enough

Living with RAD is incredibly isolating. Even kind, well-meaning people often don’t get it.

“Trauma-informed” is a start—but RAD needs more. These kids don’t respond to typical strategies. In fact, the usual tools can make things worse.

This kind of parenting is intense and unfamiliar to most people. RAD parents are often judged, blamed, or dismissed. We carry the weight alone—no breaks, no easy fixes, and sometimes, no hope.

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This Isn’t About Blame

I’m not here to shame anyone. I’m here to educate.

If you know a RAD family, they need your support—not your solutions. I’ve said the wrong things before too. But the more we all understand, the more we can show up for families like mine.

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What Not to Say to Parents of RAD Kids

(And What to Say Instead)

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1. “Have you tried…?”

Yes. I’ve tried it. Every strategy. Every book. Every chart, podcast, and suggestion from every well-meaning person.

This isn’t typical parenting. I’m not raising a child who just needs firmer rules or more praise. My child’s brain is wired for survival. She fights connection like her life depends on it—because once, it did.

When someone says, “Have you tried oils? Stickers? Gentler? Tougher?”—it feels like they think I missed something easy.

I’m abused by my child. And still, I keep trying. I research. I show up.

What to say instead:

• “I trust that you’re doing everything you can.”
• “That sounds unbelievably hard. I believe you.”

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2. “She just needs to be loved.”

She is loved. Every single day. She’s held, protected, fought for, and chosen—even when it’s the hardest.

When I hear this, it feels like you’re saying my love isn’t enough. That’s devastating.

RAD kids don’t act out because they’ve never been loved. They act out because they were—and it didn’t keep them safe. Their brains remember that pain.

What to say instead:

• “You love her fiercely, even through the hard.”
• “You’re doing the hard work that most people will never see.”

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3. “She doesn’t act like that with me.”

Of course not. RAD kids are master performers. They wear masks, charm, and manipulate to stay in control. It’s how they’ve survived.

Their main target is usually mom.

So when you say, “She’s so sweet with me,” it feels like a punch. It makes me feel like the problem. But what you’re seeing is the performance.

Behind closed doors, the mask comes off. I’m left with the fallout.

What to say instead:

• “I can’t imagine how exhausting that is.”
• “You’re doing the hard work no one else sees.”

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4. “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

I know people mean this to be comforting. But this life is more than I can handle.

Every single day pushes me past my limit—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m drowning most days.

Let’s be clear—the Bible doesn’t say that. It says God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.

This phrase makes me feel like I’m failing at motherhood and faith. And I don’t need help feeling that way.

What to say instead:

• “I’m sorry this is so heavy. I see you standing in the middle of it.”
• “I’m here. I don’t have answers, but I won’t leave you alone in it.”

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Wrapping Up: You’re Not Alone

These are just a few of the things RAD parents hear—over and over—and every one of them cuts deep when we’re already barely hanging on.

We don’t need advice or quick fixes. We need understanding. We need people who stay.

This is only Part 1. More coming soon.

If this helped you understand RAD a little better, share it. Save it. Use it to start conversations.

And most of all—thank you for showing up for the hard things.